Eliza, The Freak
by deborahisrael
Summary: A sarcastic nerd in Forks Highschool... she has some interesting thoughts on the Cullens and Bella oh, especially Bella
1. Forks

I felt like writing today... enjoy!!!

It was about time for me to get writing again... and what better Fan Fiction to make than one about Twilight?!?!?! Since everyone's so crazy about it... I felt like making a bit of a parody.

* * *

The alarm went off.

I opened my eyes suddenly and jolted up. I turned to the alarm and smacked it.

"Damned thing... can go fuck itself..." I mumbled.

"Now, that language is not appreciated in this household," a voice said. My mom. Such a control freak. "Since you're finally awake, could you please get ready for school? I'm going to be late again if I have to drive you and I don't want to disappoint Dr. Cullen."

I sighed and picked myself up out of bed. You see, my mom's a nurse and works with Dr. Cullen. She divorced my dad when I was just a baby and now we have no idea where he is, but I really couldn't care less. Ever since she started working as a nurse, she won't shut up about the "beautiful" Dr. Cullen. Honestly, the guy looks like he wears makeup. And he's married. I guess my mother is just an idiot.

I stood in front of the mirror. Wow, did I look awful. My brown pixie was frizzed-out and the bags under my eyes seemed to increase with the homework my math teacher gave me. I put on my T-Shirt, Jeans, and sneakers. Another look in the mirror... wonderful, I look tired.

As my mom dropped me off at school, I took a deep breath. Another day at this stupid place. Forks High School... if there was any annoying cliché you wanted to find, you'd find it here.

Walking through the hallways... the same stares and scoffs from the same preppy bitches. The stupid, athletic men generally tried to avoid me and I didn't mind it in the least. I finally made it through the sea of stupidity and got to my first class: English.

I sat next to the wonderfully famous Edward Cullen... and, I'll admit... he's gorgeous. But he never dates anybody, he dresses amazingly, and he uses more hair product than my mom.

Homosexual? I think so.

"Hello, Eliza," Edward whispered to me.

"Hi, Edward," I replied monotonously.

"Did you do your homework?" he asked.

"Yes, I did."

"Wou--"

"No, I will not let you borrow it."

"But..."

"Do your own homework. You're smart."

I laughed to myself. If that wasn't a lie, I don't know what was.

You see, Edward isn't what you would call "intelligent". Yes, he knows the facts, but in the real world, he'd probably piss in his pants and marry the first gay boy he meets.

"I wouldn't do that," Edward blurted out.

"Wouldn't do your homework?" I sarcastically snapped back.

"No, actually I--"

"CLASS HAS BEGUN, MR. CULLEN," yelled our English teacher, Mr. Fedell. "Today, we are reading Hamlet."

In my head I did a dance. I looooooovvvvvveeeee Shakespeare.

We were reading through the play and, of course, Mr Fedell had all of the parts. He does a stunning job, although everybody thinks that he's crazy... but he's just a really good actor.

Edward sat there, laughing.

"You're an idiot," I mumbled to myself.

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Okay, that's all for now. I'll try to update ASAP.

Please review. I'd like to hear your thoughts, mean or nice. Thank you!


	2. Nice to meet you, Isabella Swan

Sorry about not updating for a couple days... Calculus is kicking my ass...

Anyways... HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

"THE LADY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH _**ME THINKS!!!**_" my English teacher screamed.

The next thing I knew, there was a book flying across the room, thrown by Mr. Fedell. All the kids in the class were laughing hysterically while Edward was "sleeping". And... well... the book hit him in the head.

I could hardly contain my laughter while all the girls in my class squealed, asking if Edward was okay. Stupid preppy bitches... don't they understand that they won't have a chance with him because he's gay? I laughed to myself.

"I am not gay..." Edward muttered to me.

"Never said you were, buddy. But now I think you may be trying to cover something up," I laughed.

The bell rang for the next class.

"Why don't you like me?" a voice asked from behind me. Edward. Such a pest.

"Because I don't like anybody," I replied.

"And why is that?"

"Because people are dumb... well, most of them are," I said.

Now that he was asking all these questions, I began to think that maybe he had a bit of a crush on me? Nah, probably not. He was too busy staring at the other foster child living in his house, Jasper's, ass.

I laughed. Jasper was the only Cullen that I could actually stand... well, him and Alice. Mainly because Jasper didn't talk... at all and Alice, well, everyone thinks that she's weird. Let's just say that I like the odd ones.

As for the rest of them? Stereotypes.

It's sad. Really.

The next day, something different happened. A new student. Her name? Isabella Swan.

At the beginning of the day, I saw her pull up in her beat-up orange truck. And, of course, Edward pulled up in his shiny silver Volvo. I couldn't help myself... I had to comment.

"HEY MAN, SORRY ABOUT YOUR DICK!" I shouted to his car. All of the Cullens gave me a bit of a death stare... except Emmett, who was laughing until Rosalie smacked him.

I saw Isabella walk out of her car. She was pretty, a little plain, but pretty. I decided to talk to her.

"Hey, Isabella!" I shouted to her.

"Please, call me Bella," she replied.

"My name's Eliza, it's nice to meet you Bella," I said and smiled.

This is about the cheeriest I get.

"Do you need any help getting to your first class?" I asked.

She smiled. "Yeah, sure."

I walked her to her class. "Okay, if you need any more help today, I can help you out. I know this place like the back of my hand."

"Thanks," she mumbled back.

As soon as I left, some girls walked up to her. I heard a little bit of what they said.

"Why are you talking to Eliza? She's the biggest lesbian this school has ever seen, plus, she's a huge freak," was what I heard.

Lesbian? HA!

At lunch, I came up to her again.

"Hey, you want to sit with me?" I asked.

"Um, no, sorry... I can't be seen around someone like you," she replied.

Oh, that bitch was going down...

* * *

Well, that's all for now!


	3. Parapsychology

I'M BAAAACKKKK!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

* * *

So began the games against Bella. Of course, she would fall for the very "sexy", yet quite gay or over-compensating Edward. I'm not quite sure which. So, I would befriend the notorious Edward Cullen and his family... thus, BELLA'S IMPENDING DOOM! Ahem, excuse me.

English class, my favorite!

"Hey, Eddy, my boy! How you feeling? Especially good today?" I asked jokingly.

"Uh... what the hell is going on?" he responded.

"Nothing, my good friend. You see..." I drifted off into thought. Why would I suddenly be nice to him? And then, I had it. "My mom thinks that I don't have enough friends for my age and you seem to like me enough."

"Ah..." he said, analyzing my facial expression.

"What? Do I have a penis drawn on my forehead?" I laughed.

"Nope, your forehead is penis-free," he replied.

_I bet your asshole isn't penis-free_, I thought to myself.

"Hey, that's no--"

"CLASS HAS BEGUN, MR. CULLEN! Why is it always you talking to her? Will you two please stop flirting and start listening?" Mr. Fedell interjected.

My face felt hot... I had never felt this way before. I was never embarrassed. Angry, yes. Embarrassed, no.

"You're blushing," Edward pointed out.

"Thanks for noticing, Captain Obvious," I whispered.

"So, you are capable of human emotion," he mused.

"MR. CULLEN! ONE MORE TIME..." Mr. Fedell screamed.

We shut up for the rest of the class period. I think that I was actually starting to like Edward... that thought made me shudder.

"Why is it such a bad thing, to like me?" Edward suddenly asked me.

"As I said yesterday, I don't like people. You're a very dense person, has anyone ever told you that?" I replied.

"I'm not quite as dumb as you think. I know everything," he said ominously.

"Um... awkward..." I sang. "I have to go to Calculus, bye."

"Will you eat lunch with me?" he yelled.

"Yeah, sure, whatever!" I yelled back.

Oh, god. What was happening to me? I sprinted to Calculus, my cheeks hot as anything. Was I actually starting to have feelings for that idiot? I couldn't think about that. It was a dumb thought.

At lunch, I sat with Edward and the rest of his family.

"I think we're all going to be great friends!" Alice squealed when I first saw her.

I laughed nervously. "Uh... yeah!"

Bella was staring at Edward like he was some kind of beautiful piece of art. Can you say DESPERATE? I can. Bella looked like the most desperate girl I'd ever seen.

"So, are you a lesbian?" Rosalie asked me, quite rudely, I might add.

"No. Despite what you may have heard, I believe nothing can please like a penis..." I mumbled, not taking my eyes off of Bella.

"What are you doing?" Jasper muttered. Didn't know that one could speak...

"I'm trying to set her on fire with my mind..." I said, still staring at Bella.

She looked at me with a questioning look, then she went back to undressing Edward with her eyes. Then, she turned to her "friends" again. She was sitting with the kids at the paper and the popular kids. All of them basically enjoy gossiping, even about things that are completely personal and should not be shared. I think of them as your average teenagers, only caring about other people's mistakes instead of paying attention to the obvious stupid things that they do. One of my favorites happened in sophomore year. Jessica and I were both in the same World History class. It was a college level course, so when I saw her there, I thought _maybe my judgment was off._ I later discovered that I was wrong. In fact, here's my favorite quote from her:

"Is the yeti for real?"

Yeah, I definitely see her going places. Especially since we were talking about Han China at the time. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't know how to read.

"You know, you're a very funny person," Edward chuckled.

"I take pride in that," I muttered.

I turned into the table. My efforts to make Bella's head explode via telepathy weren't working. Damn. I noticed something rather odd about the Cullens.

"You guys anorexic or something?" I questioned.

They all looked at each other with a look of panic. Suddenly, an odd feeling came over me. Very calming.

"Oh, never mind. It's nothing," I laughed. "How about I come over to you guy's house this afternoon?"

Alice's face lit up. "WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU!!!" she shouted.

"Okay... you're an excitable one," I said nervously.

* * *

Well, that's all for now. I'll update again as soon as I possibly can. :)


	4. Rebirth

There I was at the Cullen's house. They were all very... nice. Especially Dr. Cullen and his wife, who were smiling as if they had gotten too much Botox and couldn't move their mouth any other way.

"So, you have a few classes with Edward," Dr. Cullen mentioned.

"Yeah... English Composition and US History," I muttered.

"Do you know anything about the girl he met today in Biology?" Esme, Dr. Cullen's wife, questioned.

"Isabella?"

"Yes, her."

"Oh, she's... uh... very interesting," I replied.

Then, Edward showed up in the living room. He gestured for me to see him.

"I need you to see something," he said.

I walked up to him. He took me outside, where the sun was shining brightly.

"Well, the sun is very pretty... I don't know why you're showing me this, but okay..." I muttered.

"Look at me," Edward commanded.

I turned my attention towards Edward.

"What is i-- OH MY GOD, YOU SPARKLE?!?!??!!" I screamed.

Suddenly, I found I couldn't stop laughing. He sparkles. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! HE FUCKING SPARKLES?!?!?!!

"What is it?" Edward demanded to know.

"You sparkle... what, did you have an accident with some glitter while you were getting ready to go to the gay club? Or are you just special?" I laughed.

"The second one," Edward replied, very seriously.

I laughed so hard that I practically peed myself.

"Don't you understand?! I'm not human," he shouted.

"Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're a demon. Don't listen to those Jesus freaks*!" I chuckled.

"I mean, I'm not alive. I'm a vampire," he explained.

"When is the last time you got your brain checked out?" I joked.

"I'm not joking!" he exclaimed.

He grabbed a tree, picked it up and threw it. "SEE?!"

I was a little frightened now. "I think I'll be going now..." I mumbled.

I began backing up, slowly turned around, and quickly sprinted away. Next thing I knew, he was right in front of me. "You know, that scares the shit out of me! Will you please stop it?!"

Edward urged me to stay. I couldn't, so a sprinted as quickly as I could.

I ran through the woods, running as quickly as I could. The trees were passing by me so quickly that I could hardly think of where I was. There was lots of debris on the ground, including a lot of sticks poking up from the ground. Little glimpses of Edward running for me appeared around my eyes. My feet were bleeding like crazy. It was painful, but I had to get away. Next thing I knew, I tripped over a log sitting in the middle of the woods and fell onto some of those dumb pointy sticks. I knew that my back was bleeding, but I also knew that I was alive. I could hardly move, I was in so much pain. Edward picked me up and took me to his house. That's where my consciousness disappeared.

I woke up on the floor of the Cullen's house. There was extreme pain surging throughout my body. I began screaming because it hurt so bad.

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCKING ASS BITCH DAMN!" I started screaming.

I began crying. "SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME! I'M DYING!"

"I think she's awake," Jasper observed.

"NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!" I yelled.

"Eliza, please be calm. You're undergoing a change," Dr. Cullen informed me. "You were stabbed in the femoral artery by a tree branch and you had lost too much blood by the time you got to me. I couldn't keep you fully alive. You died, Eliza. And now, you're alive again. But you won't be human. You will be what we are."

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" I screamed.

"We turned you into a vampire so you could continue living," Edward explained. "Don't worry, we've taken care of everything."

"You're mom thinks that you're just extremely sick and that Carlisle taking care of you under quarantine. She is fine. You will be ready to go back to school in just a few months, but perhaps you'll do it in solitary," Esme continued.

The days continued, all in extreme pain. All I could do was scream.

Suddenly, after about 3 days, a coolness came over me. The pain was gone and I knew it was complete. I opened my eyes for the first time in a long time. The scenery was different, more intense. I could see EVERYTHING.

I stood up, began walking. But, my walking speed was 40 times faster than anything I've ever walked.

"Holy shit, I could beat the Kenyans," I commented.

"There she is!" Carlisle exclaimed.

"Here I am!" I laughed. "Where's Edward? I didn't get to thank him for saving my life."

"Technically, I saved your life," Carlisle pointed out.

"And technically, you're old as hell," I retorted.

"You two and your technicalities..." Alice giggled. "Edward is... some where, but not here. Not even Forks. But, he'll come back."

"Oh, why did he leave?" I queried.

"Because of Bella Swan," Alice sighed. "Honestly, I don't see why he can't deal with it. Hey, you want to go hunting?"

"Sure... hunting for what?" I asked.

"Food. You are a Vampire now. You will have to drink blood. And we're going to have to get you used to being around human blood, too, so that you don't have such an urge to attack," she answered.

"Uh, okay, then."

"Let's go!"

I followed Alice out the door and to the woods where I apparently died. We ran through the forest, trees zooming by, I was able to see everything. It was really scary, but beautiful at the same time. The trees were greener and the flowers more beautiful. It was basically awesome. I mean, I was struck with awe at the beautiful scenery.

"Deer," Alice mumbled. "Let's get it."

I could smell it, hear its heart beating. My mouth watered, I wanted the blood more than anything.

I raced as quickly as I could towards the sound of the heart beat, desperate for the kill. In a matter of about 15 seconds, the deer was lifeless, laying on the ground.

"Whoa... high five!" Alice laughed, turning to me.

"Could you tell me more about being a vampire?" I asked.

"Sure thing. Okay, so, we're what Carlisle calls 'Vegetarians' because we don't drink the blood of humans. Or at least we try not to... you may kill one or two. What's really cool is that we all have these special powers... psychic powers," Alice explained.

"Like me trying to set Bella on fire..." I thought aloud. I bit the deer, ripping its flesh and piercing its arteries.

"Kind of. Me, I can tell the future. It's how I knew we would be friends." She look a long drink of the deer's blood. "Edward can read minds. Jasper can transfer thoughts to other people's minds."

"What's my power?!" I exclaimed.

"I don't know... what's something special about you when you were human?" she asked.

"Uh, my entire personality," I answered.

"Other than that. What was something you did especially well?"

"A lot of stuff."

"Well, try to see if you can do it better now that you're a vampire."

"Okay... I want to try something..."

I stared at a log, concentrating as hard as I could. Then, the log caught on fire.

"MY PYROMANIA HAS BECOME MORE INTENSE NOW THAT I'M A VAMPIRE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" I exclaimed.

I looked around and Alice was gone. "Alice? Where did you go?"

I ran back to the house. There was a pizza guy there.

"Oh, shit," I thought to myself.

It was as if a frenzy had come over me. I attacked the pizza delivery man, slaughtered him, and drained all of his blood.

"What's all this racke-- HEY! You killed the Pizza man!" Emmett laughed.

"Yes, I did... he's quite delicious," I said to myself, laughing like a maniac. "Ha... ha, ha... ha..."

"Well, you see, we're not exactly supposed to do that... because then... okay, look at yourself in the mirror and you'll understand," he sighed.

I pretty much sprinted to the bathroom. My eyes were red. Not the whites of my eyes, the actual iris was red. And scary looking. I looked like a predator.

"You see, if you walk around with your eyes like that, you'll scare the shit out of people. That wouldn't be good," he laughed.

"Probably not," I chuckled back.

We laughed about it for a couple seconds. "SO, if you just eat animal blood, it'll go to a nice amber color. Then, it isn't as scary as it is unique."

"HEY, YOU WANT TO SEE MY SPECIAL POWER?!?!" I exclaimed.

"Uh... that sounds vaguely dirty..."

I ran outside and Emmett followed. I concentrated on the dead Pizza man's body. It caught on fire.

"That's a little scary. You may not want to show people that you can make things spontaneously combust," he chuckled. "But now we've gotten rid of the body."

"I CAN GET RID OF MORE EVIDENCE THIS WAY!!!" I shouted.

"Oh, god, please don't..."

The pizza man's car was incinerated. And then I took off all of my bloody clothes and set them on fire.

"Why are you standing naked in front of me?" Emmett asked.

"BECAUSE I CAN!" I shouted.

Alice walked in. "Oh, okay... We know that you have a brand new, awesome body, but there's no need to show it to the world..."

I apologized.

"Here are some of my clothes..." Alice said, giving me some skinny jeans and a tank top with crazy prints on it.

"Whoa... I look hot."

* * *

I'll update again soon!!!


	5. Edward is a Countertenor?

I should get to the story. :)

* * *

Alice gave me some new clothes. But I'd rather have my t-shirts and loose jeans. They're comfy! And I like them immensely.

It had been a couple weeks since I started being all vampire-y. I was getting used to it... kind of. I did kill a couple of Pizza guys, though... I can't help myself... they don't have much of a life anyways! But, my eyes were turning more of that stupid Amber color... I missed my old eyes, though.

In fact, I missed being human. Stupid stupid tree branch killed me... HOW THE HELL DID A TREE BRANCH KILL ME?!?!?!

"I miss chocolate," I muttered to myself.

"Me too," Rosalie giggled.

"Wow, that's the first time you agreed with me on something!!!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, don't get used to it," Rosalie remarked.

"Okay..."

Well, wasn't that kind? I kind of expected it from Rose, though. She was, in fact, a stereotype.

While we were sitting on the couch, I was chilling out, typing on the computer to my mom (such a worrier). She asked in Dr. Cullen was taking good care of me, so I said "yeah". Then, Edward slammed open the door.

"I'm home!!!" he sang.

"I didn't know you were a soprano," I replied.

"I'm not... I'm a countertenor," he said, making a failed attempt to defend himself.

"Yeah, that's so much better because, you know, Michael Jackson was a countertenor and look at how wonderful he turned out**," I laughed to myself. "I'm surprised you know what a countertenor is..."

"Of course I know what it is, I'm old as hell!" Edward shouted.

"HAHA, YOU'RE A SENIOR CITIZEN!!!" I laughed.

"That's not funny," he said angrily.

"Yes, it is. Where's your AARP card, huh? Do you get loads of discounts?" I joked.

"Seriously... I will... I will..." he thought aloud.

"You will what? All you can do is read my mind and there is nothing in there that hasn't already been shared with the world," I laughed. "I, on the other hand, can set you on fire. Does that sound like a chance you would take?"

"It's not fair... your power can kill anything..." he muttered to himself.

"Well, I can't really kill whales... they're a little too... wet," I giggled.

He went upstairs to his room.

Then, Alice slid down the banister on the stairs. She looked at me and smiled.

"You aren't wearing your gifts?" she asked.

"I prefer my lesbian wear," I chuckled.

"I know, but don't you want to get laid in the next century?" she pointed out.

"This is true..." I murmured.

"So... are you feeling ready for a makeover?" she asked, getting all excited.

"I'm already pretty and vampire-y," I uttered.

"Yes, I'll make you even prettier!" she exclaimed.

"I'm fine," I stammered.

"PLEASE?!?!!?!?!" she pleaded.

"Okay," I squeaked.

He grabbed my hand and led me to her bathroom where she proceeded to take out about 40 billion different hair products and 28104763242083163784658912367 different things of cosmetics... all professional. This reminded me of how rich they were and how middle-class I was. And then she began the process. She washed the small amount of hair that I had, blow dried it and (kind of) flat ironed it. All was going swimmingly until she accidentally burned me.

"I will set you on fire," I giggled.

She laughed and said, "You're funny."

She continued, spraying my hair and fluffing it a little. She put on some makeup, not much. Alice turned me towards the mirror and I got a look at myself.

"Holy shit... I look fucking awesome," I said, turning my heads all sorts of different angles.

"I told you that you'd love it," Alice giggled.

"I didn't even realize vampires could get makeovers like this," I thought aloud. "Well, I suppose if you can put makeup on a dead body, you could put it on a vampire."

Alice laughed. "I like how you just compared a corpse to a vampire."

"Well, we are pretty much moving corpses. I'm kind of surprised that we haven't begun decomposing. Oh, and I have a question..." I muttered.

"Yes?"

"Is it possible to get it on if you're a vampire?"

"Yes."

Now I won't have to stay a virgin for my eternal life... HUZZAH! Alice and I walked downstairs and at the bottom of the staircase, Edward was standing there, seemingly waiting for us.

"I need to tell you guys something," he said urgently.

"So tell us," I commanded.

"There's this girl, you know, Bella. She's the reason why I decided to leave Forks for a while, her blood was just too tempting for me to resist. I couldn't stop thinking about killing her... but I think I can handle it now," he explained.

"I KNEW IT!" I exclaimed.

"You knew what?" he questioned.

"I KNEW YOU WOULD PISS IN YOUR PANTS IF A CHALLENGE CAME TO YOU! I KNEW IT! BAHAHAHAHAHA!" I laughed.

"Okay, yeah, you win... but I didn't run off with the first gay guy I met."

I giggled. "Sure."

I skipped out of the room and into the kitchen. Carlisle was sitting in there while Esme was singing a tune to herself.

"May I ask, what is the point of this room?" I asked.

"We don't know..." Carlisle mumbled.

"I think that may have been some poor decision making on your part," I pointed out.

"Probably."

* * *

Sorry that this one took so damn long. Christmas time is pretty hectic for a chorus girl, but hopefully I'll get back in the groove for January... which is pretty much the deadest month EVER.

I'll update soon. Please review!


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